R.I.P.D. – A Movie Review

ripd

Welcome to Coffee and Cake Movie Review time… like a sporting events post game recap, except with movies and no puns about balls, well unless they are called for.

Marita has simple tastes when it comes to her movie viewing. Some eye candy (of either gender), stuff that goes BOOM, and well written dialogue ala Joss Whedon is preferred.

Ralph actually studied film. Now he can’t enjoy anything.

****

Marita: Oh God that was bad, so bad.

Ralph: Yes honey, this is why we don’t trust cheap tickets for a new release.

Marita: Mmmmm free tickets are nice. But not these free tickets, these free tickets are excrement covered Brussels Sprouts that leave you with the fiery after burn of a McDonalds cheeseburger.

Ralph: Goodbye first time readers, we’re talking about R.I.P.D.

Marita: Really.Idiotic.Piece.of.Dreck.

Ralph: Indeed.

To save you all some time before going to the cinema, do the following:

1. Watch Men in Black.
2. Don’t go to the cinema

Marita: 3. Let me see ya just bounce it with me, just bounce with me.
Just bounce it with me c’mon.

Ralph: You know you found the one thing I give R.I.P.D. the edge on. “Konitchiwa Bitches” is a better song (Even if it’s used poorly).

Marita: Just slide with me, just slide…

Ralph: Ok M.I.B. aside, here is the plot. Abs with a face, Ryan Reynolds is a morally conflicted Boston cop, who is killed in action by his dirty partner (Kevin Bacon, who’d be embarrassed about his role here if he hadn’t spent the past year saying “That’s classic Poe” on The Following.) He joins the M.I.B. R.I.P.D., who catch aliens escaped souls who live among us in New York Boston. He is partnered with a no nonsense old timer (Jeff Daniels, who apparently wandered in off the set of True Grit and decided to roll with it. {Just roll with me, just roll…} ) Blah blah blah. There are babies that could finish this outline and hit every point without trying.

Marita: I picked Kevin Bacon as the bad guy from the moment he walked on screen. Disappointing obvious movie. A lobotomised Dalek could portray more emotion than Ryan Reynolds.

Ralph: Oh yes and in a gimmick lifted from Heaven Can Wait, Reynolds and Daniels appear differently to people in the real world. Bridges is a supermodel and Reynolds an elderly Asian man. That is the extent of the idea. There no twist to this, no payoff worth mentioning. People wolf whistle at Jeff Bridges. Genius.

Marita: And slow mo’ boob and butt shots, many, many, slow mo’ boob and butt shots.

Almost up there with Fast ‘N’ Furious.

Ralph: Reynolds is as bland as he’s always been. (How about we stop casting people based on the amount of tabloid space they get.) Bridges is in the wrong film. (Hot tip to new writers and directors, don’t give the bulk of your exposition to the guy with the impenetrable accent.) The effects and production design is nothing you haven’t seen before. This is a nothing movie, made completely to the usual templates destined to play to no audience, cause no one’s noticed that Ryan Reynolds doesn’t have an audience that wants to watch him in motion.

Marita: Pretty much. Everyone should go watch Neil Patrick Harris and Nathan Fillion in this instead:

I give R.I.P.D. half a duck. You?

Ralph:  Half it be.

R.I.P.D., half a duck on the Duck-o-Meter.

Half-a-duck

Blogging about life, the universe and autism at Stuff With Thing.

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